How to Handle a Woman
by bahjcb
Summary: Derek screwed up and Casey isn't being forgiving. Dasey.


_I heard the song _I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face_ sung by Rex Harrison (from the musical _My Fair Lady_) followed by the song_ How to Handle a Woman_ sung by Richard Harris (from the musical _Camelot_), one right after the other on the internet radio I was listening to at work. This story seemed to write itself and wouldn't leave me alone until I posted it—I seem to have Dasey on the mind. LOL! If you haven't heard these songs, I seriously suggest you do. They are adorable!_

_Disclaimer: I still own nothing!_

* * *

"I don't know why everyone's so upset!" Derek announced angrily, waving his spoon like it was a rapier. "It was Casey's decision. If she wants to go to New York to live with Dennis, I say let her! If she's going to leave us…then…Fine! I say we turn her room into a gym. In fact, I'm going to call Sam and Ralphie now! We'll go look for weights!"

With that, Derek slammed his spoon down and stormed out of the kitchen.

Nora, taking a deep, angry breath, exclaimed, "It's all his fault Casey's gone! If he just knew when to cool it…but no!"

"No," Lizzie added in irate agreement. "Derek always takes things too far! He thinks he can do anything and get away with it. Stupid Jerk!"

Lower lip trembling, Marti said, "I miss Casey. I wish she would come back."

"She'll only come back when your…"

"Lizzie," Nora interrupted, sure that he daughter was about to say something completely inappropriate. "It's not Marti or Edwin's fault. Don't take it out on them."

"Dad," Edwin said, speaking for the first time in quite sometime. "Is this a trip or is Casey really moving in with her dad?"

Sighing, George ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I'm afraid Casey has moved in with Dennis."

"Doesn't she like us anymore?" Marti asked sadly.

"Of course she does," Nora quickly assured the little girl. "Casey loves you."

"But not Sm…Derek."

"I guess cutting her hair when she was asleep was the last straw," Edwin sighed. "Derek is a jerk! Why did Casey have to move out instead of him?"

"She didn't have to move out," George quickly corrected.

"She just didn't believe we could ever get Derek to treat her nicer," Nora added. "So, Casey chose to leave herself."

"Will she visit?" Marti asked.

"I…I don't know," Nora sadly replied.

"But, you can talk to her on the phone anytime you want to," Lizzie added. "Casey would like that."

"Yes," Nora agreed. "And I'll help you set up an email address so you can write her all the time."

Going back to her cereal, Marti sighed, "I wish Derek would say he was sorry. Then Casey would come home."

No one had the heart to tell the little girl that it wouldn't be as easy as all that.

* * *

Ralph and Sam followed Derek around _Sears_ with glazed eyes. By now, they weren't really paying any attention to what Derek was saying. Over the last two weeks, they had heard everything. Derek had lost originality some where around hour two of day one.

"I can't believe her! Who does she think she is?"

Derek had yet to say "her" name, but Sam and Ralph weren't the least bit confused as to who "she" was.

"She's just up and left! She never once said good-bye."

Tired, and not really thinking, Ralph replied, "She said good-bye to us."

"What?" Derek growled as he flipped around to glare at his friends.

"Ah…" Ralph trailed off.

"Look, D," Sam said, taking over. "Casey said good-bye to everyone _but_ you. I don't think she thought you cared."

"Of course I don't care," Derek flippantly replied.

"Of course not," Ralph sarcastically agreed, rolling his eyes.

"I don't!" Derek insisted. "I've just grown…accustomed to having her around. It's not my fault that my day just doesn't seem to begin right now that she's no longer here to say 'good morning.'"

"Right," Sam agreed. "Just like how you claim that your house doesn't smell right anymore."

"Or the way you claim that it's just too quiet without her going around humming or talking or something," Ralph added with a smirk.

"Hey," Derek barked. "She's the one who left! She'll be sorry! She'll regret it!"

"Oh," Sam drawled.

"Yes!" Derek snapped. "Her little excursion is doomed! Doomed, I tell you!"

Calmed down, and smirk firmly in place, Derek said, "She'll realize that no one knows her like I do. Everyone will call her grade grubber and klutzilla in her new school and she'll have no one to stand up for her. She'll have no one to tell her that the moron she's dating will leave her sooner or later. And he will be a moron. They're always morons!"

Sam decided to ignore that insult and continue prodding his friend.

"You know her best?"

"Of course," Derek shrugged, pretending to look over an elliptical machine. "Having Casey around all the time made it easy to figure her out."

"She's like breathing to you."

"Yes. No," Derek quickly corrected, moving over to another elliptical to obstinately compare prices. "I've just grown accustomed to Casey. I was perfectly happy before she showed up in my life and I'll be perfectly happy now that's she gone."

Sighing, Derek leaned against the machine and said, "I can grow unaccustomed to her just like I grew accustomed _**to**_ her."

"D," Ralph laughed. "Just take you gym money and go get her."

"What?!"

"Yeah," Sam agreed. "Take the money you would use to buy this…fabulous elliptical and buy a ticket to New York."

"Say you're sorry and beg her to come back," Ralph added. "You're miserable without her."

Eyes narrowed, Derek turned to look at his two supposed friends. "Even if I was…missing her. What would I say? She made it very clear that she never wanted to see me again."

Smiling, Sam grabbed Derek by the arm and started hauling him out of the store.

"You'll think of something, D."

"Just tell her how you really feel," Ralph added, following behind. "We all know Casey's a romantic at heart. She'll melt if you're serious."

"Ralphie's right, D," Sam agreed with a grin.

* * *

The McDonald-Venturi family watched in surprise as Sam and Ralph hauled an un-protesting Derek up the stairs. Minutes later, Sam hauled Derek down the stairs while Ralph followed behind with Derek's stuffed hockey bag.

Over his shoulder, Sam announced, "Derek's going to be gone for a few days."

Nodding, Ralph added as he shut the door, "Don't turn Casey's room into a gym. She'll need it. Unless she and Derek decide to share a room."

"Ralphie, come on," Sam's voice yelled.

As the door slammed shut, everyone exchanged looks with each other.

"You don't think…" Edwin asked the family at large with barely repressed excitement.

"Smerek's going to ask Casey to marry him!" Marti happily announced.

"Not yet," Lizzie said with a grin. "But he is going to bring her back home where she belongs."

Leaning against her husband, Nora whispered, "I think Marti believes Casey's home is in Derek's arms."

Smirking, George replied, "Who says it isn't?"

Laughing, Nora cuddled against George and decided to just wait and see. In the meantime, she would prepare some ground rules for the couple when and if they returned.

* * *

Derek checked the address one more time before taking a deep breath and jogging up the stairs. Knocking before he could change his mind, Derek hoped that Dennis would be gone. He wasn't sure he could grovel in front of an audience. Hell, he wasn't even sure he could grovel at all.

Casey was surprised to open the door and find Derek on the other side. It only took her a minute to get past that, however, and start to slam the door shut in his face. Derek, however, was too quick for her and pushed passed her and on inside.

Crossing her arms, Casey growled, "So you weren't content with driving me from home, you had to come and irritate me here too!"

"No, Case…Casey," he changed at the scowl on her face. "I'm here to apologize for the way I acted."

"Oh, how nice," she said sarcastically. "Now you can go home and tell the family you tried." When he didn't move, Casey flung open the door. "Leave Derek! You're not welcome here."

"Casey, I'm sorry. It's just not the same without you."

"Not going to work, Venturi. Find another whipping person. I'm not going to be it anymore!"

Gathering up his courage, Derek decided to go with his back-up, last ditch plan. "Casey, I've found…since you've been gone…that, well…I…have f-f-feelings for you. Deep feelings. I might even be…um…in love with you."

"Really," she dryly replied, her expression not changing. "Good-bye!"

"Casey, I mean it," Derek pleaded.

"You never mean anything, Derek," Casey informed him. "They don't call you _Lord of the Lies_ for nothing."

"Casey…"

"Give it up, Venturi and GET OUT OF MY HOME!"

Backing up, Derek stepped outside. Turning back towards the rapidly closing door, he yelled, "I'm not giving up yet!"

Getting no reply, Derek sighed and walked down the street a ways before pulling out his phone. He didn't have to wait long before Sam answered his phone.

"Are you in New York, yet?"

"She turned me down."

"You're not giving up, are you?"

Slumping to the ground, Derek sighed, "Casey's stubborn Sam. I'm never going to get her to believe me."

"Derek, we didn't clean out your entire savings account and steal Ralphie's father's credit card to just have you give up at the first bump in the road."

"This is a _bump_ in the road?"

"A minor bump," Sam assured him. "Come on, you wouldn't like Casey as much as you do if she made things easy for you. You love a challenge. That's why you've gone through so many girls, D. None of them were a challenge for long."

"Casey never lets me get away with anything," Derek said with a small smile.

"That's right! You're the only one who can handle her."

Snorting with disbelief, Derek replied, "Oh, yeah. I'm doing a _great_ job handling Casey."

"Okay," Sam said, heaving a sigh. "I'm going to share something with you that if you ever tell anyone I will back out of our agreement of grade five and tell everyone…"

"Okay, okay," Derek hurriedly interrupted. "I agree. This information goes with me to the grave."

"My grandma likes musicals."

"Ooh, Sammy boy…"

Interrupting with a growl, Sam said, "She makes me watch them with her whenever we visit."

"So?"

"So, according to _Camelot_ the way to handle a woman is to love her."

"Excuse me?"

"Dude, don't make me repeat myself," Sam pleaded.

"Sam, what am I supposed to do with that?"

"Love Casey."

"And _how_ am I to do that when she won't let me near her?"

"Not make-out with her, D. Love her."

"And, how do I do that?"

"How should I know?" Derek could practically hear Sam's shrug over the line. "I was _never_ able to handle her. You're on your own now, D."

Sighing, Derek nodded. "Thanks, Sammy."

Flipping his phone shut, Derek rested his head against the wall behind him and tried to figure out what "love her" meant.

* * *

Casey glanced out the eyehole in the door. Seeing no one, she cautiously pulled the door open only to find a bundle of three daisies with a pink envelope setting on top of them. Curious, she picked up the present and brought it inside.

Sitting down on the couch, Casey opened the envelope to find a letter written in Derek's sloppy hand.

_Dear Casey,_

_Did you know that when you put our names together it sounds like daisy? Only it's spelt Dasey. That's why I got you those flowers. I only got you three of them, not because I'm cheap, but because that's how long we've know each other._

_I will now write you a poem to further express my feelings._

Casey had to laugh at the idea of Derek writing poetry.

_My darling Casey,_

_Your hair is so lacy._

_My automatic response to your over dramatic behavior is to be ecstatic._

_I ache when I am awake because you are so far from me._

_I pray to not have feet of clay,_

_But each time I bolt, I seem to molt._

_Though as I write, I'm filled with fright that you turn me down once again._

_Oh, Casey, I thrive on your drive for life._

_It would be divine if you would just be mine._

_And with all of the above, I send you my love._

_Love, Derek_

"Oh, Derek," Casey laughed, shaking her head. "This is awful. It's the worst poem I have ever read. What did you do? Just randomly pick words from a rhyming dictionary?"

Impressed with his effort, but not yet ready to forgive, Casey wrote him a quick note and slipped it under the front door.

* * *

Derek had been waiting across the street, hoping for some kind of response to his poem—he worked hard on it, even if it did suck—when he saw a bright red paper slip under the front door. Barely checking for cars, Derek raced over and picked up the paper.

_Derek,_

_Despite your try at poetry_

_I still don't buy your act._

_You'll need to restore_

_My trust in you before_

_I'll ever take you seriously_

_-Casey_

_P.S. As you can see, a poem needs more than a rhyming dictionary._

Derek smirked as he realized he'd been caught on the poetry angle, but he wasn't giving in just yet.

* * *

Two o'clock in the morning was not the best time to be woken up, especially by what sounded like a drunken quartet. At least, Casey hoped they were drunk and just not that bad of singers. Throwing open her window, she found Derek strumming a guitar and being backed up by four caterwauling homeless guys who were quite un-drunkenly snapping away at the beat.

_You're the object of my affections,  
And if you have no objections,  
I'd like to love you night and day,  
If I may._

"Der-ek," Casey cried, in an attempt to get them to knock it off.

Derek stopped singing, but evidently it was time for his back up to sing alone, because they stopped softly singing "bowwow" to the beat and burst into loud singing of the chorus.

"Der-ek, people are trying to sleep!" she tried again.

"Listen to the words, Case! Nat King Cole wrote the words that express my very soul."

"Are you drunk?"

"I'm trying to be romantic. I'm _trying_ to get you to believe that I'm telling the truth."

"Is this a bet? Are you not allowed to come home until I do?" Casey asked, trying to cover all her bases.

"Casey, listen to the words!" Derek instructed.

Rolling her eyes, Casey leaned on the window ledge and listened.

When they ended and Casey made no move to declare her change of heart, they started up another song. When they got to the chorus, however, Derek looked like he was trying to put his whole heart and soul into song. Casey, however, rolled her eyes.

_Maybe it's your attitude (attitude)  
Maybe it's your point of view (point of view)  
Maybe it's the time we spend together (together)  
Maybe we could do this thing forever  
Maybe it's your soldier ways (soldier ways)  
Maybe it__'s your golden gaze (golden gaze)  
Maybe it's the way we blend together (together)  
Maybe we should do this thing forever_

"Derek, go to bed!" Casey shouted as she moved to shut the window.

Leaving the window open a crack so that she could still hear D-Rock: New York's version of song, Casey crawled into bed with a smile on her face.

* * *

Derek may be down, but he was not out. Poetry, flowers, and song didn't seem to work, but chocolate was always a winner.

* * *

Casey groaned as she opened the box. Inside was a large chocolate cake, with chocolate icing. Written in blue frosting (as the card said, it was to match her eyes) were the words, " Casey, I'm sorry. I KNOW I love you."

Hearing laughter, Casey turned to find her father's housekeeper, Gloria.

"What?" she asked with a scowl.

Walking forward, Gloria said, "I'm sorry, Casey. But, it seems to me that this boy is going to an awful lot of effort if he really didn't care."

"Derek never cares," Casey automatically replied, but this time, there was no heat.

Grabbing some plates, Gloria said, "Why don't we try some of this cake and you can tell me what happened?"

"Okay," Casey agreed, grabbing some forks.

* * *

"He's an idiot," Gloria declared.

"I know," Casey agreed.

"But he's your idiot."

Nodding, Casey asked, "Do you think Derek would believe 'jackass' is a term of endearment?"

Laughing, Gloria nodded. "I think it would fit. I just don't see you two calling each other snooky."

"No," Casey agreed with a laugh. "Never snooky!"

* * *

"You stink."

Not opening his eyes or lifting his head from where it was resting upon his bag, Derek said, "I have been sleeping on the sidewalk in front of your house. I was thinking of bathing in the fountain down the street but the cop assured me that New York is against public nudity."

Laughing, Casey sat down on the curb next to Derek.

"All that effort…it was sweet."

"I wouldn't embarrass myself like this for just any girl, Case."

"I know."

"Will you come back home?" he wearily asked as he cautiously opened one eye.

"I don't know, Derek," Casey sadly replied. "What about when we get back home? Will you keep playing pranks on me?"

"I'll try not to." At her snort of anger, Derek sat up and quickly added, "Hey, I'm willing to try. I don't change for anybody, Casey McDonald, but I'm willing to try for you!"

Grinning, Casey wrapped a hand around Derek's neck, saying, "Come here, jackass."

Stopping just before their lips touched, Derek asked, "Jackass?"

"It's your pet name. Now kiss me."

Derek decided, as he finally complied, that if Casey gave more commands like that, they wouldn't argue nearly as much.

* * *

George shook his head as he stared over his wife's shoulder as they danced.

Smiling, Nora asked, "Why are you shaking your head?"

"Seven years ago when Derek brought Casey back from New York, did you ever think they would last?"

"No," Nora agreed. "I didn't."

"And here I am watching a very pregnant Casey Venturi dance with her husband…"

"Derek!"

"…At their best friends' wedding."

"And they're still crazy in love," Nora added with a grin.

"Don't you think it's odd that Casey calls Derek 'jackass' as a pet name?"

"I think it's cute!"

"You're just excited for your first grandbaby," George teased.

"And you aren't? You've gone shopping with Casey for baby things three times just this week."

Blushing, George argued, "Derek's worse."

Laughing, Nora nodded in agreement. "She isn't born yet and already that baby has her Daddy wrapped her finger."

"Just like her mother."

"Just like Casey," Nora agreed.

_

* * *

_

Songs:

If I May _by Nat King Cole and _Maybe_ by Will Smith & TRA-Knox. _

_-These two songs are also a must hear and completely adorable._


End file.
